So I haven't posted a blog on here in about a year and a half, I was occupied with Myspace. I have decided to start this up again because it's a way to stay close with Jenn and Kirk as well as journal things I don't want certain people to read, but want to say it out loud. So here goes.
Yesterday I went to get fitted for a bridesmaid dress for a wedding I'm in in June. I made the trek out to David's Bridal in Queens, which is kind of a pain, it's a burrough and well I'm a bit snobby I suppose when it comes to places surrounding Manhattan. Anyway, not the point, although I've been to about 3 weddings since my divorce, this particular event was seemingly difficult for me. I don't regret my decision to be married or divorced ever, it wasn't neccesarily a mistake in my book, more of a learning experience I suppose. I immediately was upset and found it difficult to be in the store, as I watched a listen to three girls, one of whom was trying on bridal gowns and then her two bridesmaids, I'm assuming. At first I was indifferent thinking nothing of it. Then as I was looking around I suddenly became sadden. I felt this huge bubble in my throat and my stomach was not at ease. I realized what I had done to someone elses life and that stomped all over his dreams. I've had these thoughts before and gotten past them, but they resurface from time to time. This next feeling though has never occured to me. For the first time I think I decided that someday I will want to get married again and even have children. I know this is a huge shock to everyone I know, and just to save you from "told you so" I never said I wouldn't ever, I just said I don't think I will but may change my mind when I'm older. I thought about it more and decided that yes someday I do want those things, which is a little upsetting since I had that already and gave it up, but I did so for a good reason. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about this right now, but I don't think I need to. Then I began to think of what kind of wedding I would have, and for the first time in my life I didn't have one clue as to anything about it, no colors, no time of year, big or small. This made me happy and sad. Happy that my mind wasn't focusing on the wedding aspect of it and more the marriage, but sad because as a girl it's just in you to have that in your brain somewhere, I'm sure there's a specific part, probably next to the reasoning part of your brain. Although I may have concluded I do want to be married again someday, the thought of having a wedding kind of makes me sick to my stomach, as if no one will believe in the ceremony because it's the second one and that I can't celebrate it. These are very wierd thoughts for me and a long way off from even happening, but they're new thoughts I needed to say out loud. If you stuck around for the whole thing thanks for listening.
I love this place
I sure do
About Me
- Paige Fockler
- I'm a native Texan but a New Yorker at heart. I love it here, though I dearly miss my whole family more every day. I feel I have a wisdom not many people my age have. I'm a little odd a little traditional and a whole lot crazy. I love living, though it perplexes me often. I hate ignorance, car honking, and 10% tippers. I love stryrofoam cups, factories, and documentaries. I ramble on far to much, can't help it I love talking and am not to great at listening. I've learned if you want somehing, go get it because no ones doing it for you! The more people I meet the more thankful I am me and that I have the family that I do. I have an unhealthy addiction to ice cream and love riding the subway!
2 comments:
I am so glad you are back. I never got into the myspace thing so I just had to sneak a peek at Kirk's occasionally. I think when the time comes you will know what kind of wedding you want and you don't have to worry about people not believing it. I believe there are more people out there that have been divorced than haven't. Anyway, those of us who love you know when you do it again you will be ready and committed.
Glad to see you back, Paige! I hope you post often as I am always interested in the ramblings of your brain. As I read your blog, I tried to hear a northern accent...Pawk ya caw at tha baw an have a be-ah! Anyway, I think with respect to all of your thoughts you posted, the consistent theme revolves around timing. When you first got married, the timing was right for you and Matt, in your heart...or maybe deep down you knew it wasn't but weren't sure how to stop the momentum of the wedding, I don't know, only you know that. Regardless, it's in the past and you learned from it, so focus on the positive. You didn't "do" anything to anyone else's life (Matt) or stomp on his dreams...it just didn't work out, and I'm sure he learned through it just as you did. As for wanting to remarry and have kids one day, that's great! Up until now, the timing wasn't there for you to want that, but now it is. Great! As for not knowing how you want your wedding to be, that too is about timing. Maybe you learned that it's not about the colors or decorations but about the relationship. Maybe after you meet your new man and establish the relationship, the timing will be right for you to vision the specifics of your wedding. It's just not time yet, and that's perfectly fine! As for a second wedding, I'm pretty sure your thoughts about how people may react is off quite a bit, at least to your friends who know you and your family. I know I will celebrate it with you and be excited and know that it's genuine and WORTH celebrating. Whenever the timing of all that works itself out. Until then...don't worry about it, just enjoy your journey! Love ya cuz!
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