life is sometimes no fun at all

I know I'm bad at communication, it might be my biggest fault!
Not much is going on here, I've just had to do nothing but work, work, and work
some more. It isn't really getting busy and it's frustrating because I'm working twice
as hard for half the money. I am moving to Queens, which is one of the bouroughs.
I am excited because I have my own room, but bummed because I'm not in the city.
It's just too expensive for me right now and I'm already struggling, so I didn't want
to pay more then I'm paying now. My rent will go up, but only $16, which is fine because
I'll have privacy and maybe a little of my sanity back. Everything seems to be compounding
right now and it makes it difficult just to live life. I keep telling myself if I can go through
a divorce and come out better then I can do this, but sometimes in the bog it's hard
to keep optomistic. I'm doing better then a couple weeks ago, which is something
to smile about. I want to be really excited about moving, but money keeps getting me
down. Shane lent me the money for the deposit and rent which is sooo nice of him
and I'm so thankful to him for that. It's frustrating that I came up here for a reason, but
can't do it because of monatary reasons. People are willing to help, but it's hard to not
be prideful. No boys right now, I can't imagine having to deal with a relationship at this
time in my life. I'm not looking though. I have fun with my friends, and up here
everything is harder, all my relationships with my friends seem a little harder to deal with.
I still love it here it's just one of those times in life you think will never end. I'm doing
all I can and I have to understand that and realize that's pretty great. I'm still doing the
cable access show, and becoming more involved so that's a little of an outlet. Other
then that not a lot is happening in life. I suppose that's how it goes. I don't see a light
yet but there's the hope and belief in one that's going to keep me going.

Ms. Fockler

It's official I am Ms. Paige Fockler again. I was a little taken back when it was completely done with, that an overwhelming gloom hit me. I know what I did was the right decision, but I also loved him very much and he was best friend. I am lonely up here sometimes, it's the longest time I've been single and although I am happy it can get a bit drafty. It's the first time that I haven't liked anyone at all(well except for unavailable men) and I so like the feeling of liking! It's also the first time I've thought that no one will measure up to him, that I will be able to be as close to someone and feel wonderful. I know there was a lot of displeasure but none was based on him, but me and where I wanted to be. Did I give up to early? I truely don't think that is the case but it could be. Am I in a huge slump? I would say it's a bit closer to the truth, but I don't know. I don't need a relationship it would muddy things up, but I kind of want one, I'm ready and I want to apply my skills!

Normal

So it's deffinately been a bit different in my life the past six months, hell the past few years, but particularly the past six months. I moved up to New York City because it was and still is my dream. Some days are harder then others and there are some easy ones as well. I used the first 5 months to settle in get aquainted and just live an exsistance. The new year came and I was ready to go, but quickly got bogged down with the month of January. See in New York, January shouldn't even exsist because of the umbrella of gloom shading it from any kind of procutivity. I basically slept and worked, and ate ice cream. Work is slow, making it almost impossible to do anything. It is now February and things are changing and I'm in love with life again, the city and I had a rough patch, but we have managed to reconcile and are madly in love! I've decided to put my life back on track, work my ass off participate in life again. Since everything is in Shanes name, he has been taking care of all bills, well I took apon myself to start paying them online, and you know what that felt great. I've been keeping up with cleaning and being tidy, everyday maintenance and it makes me feel like a person again. I don't go out much and I'm trying to curb my appetite for spending money on meaningless crap! I've decided also to get back to faith, not that it wasn't there but it was a tiny sidenote for a long time. Since making that decision I've also felt better. I've had a better attitude at work, which makes it so much easier to go. I'm embarking on a journey with that, i'm loaded with questions and a little weary, but I've asked for a bit of guidance from my brother and feel so lucky to have him! I have learned it is easy to be miserable, because there is so much company there. For the most part people are unhappy, especially people in the restaraunt industry, they can tear you down quickly. I may not love my job, but that's all it is and it will allow me to achieve my dream, so I am pretty thankful that I have it. It also gives me freedom to be crazy and have fun and make good money. And one of my favorite people ever I met through there! Life is incredible if you wake up and live it, sometimes I guess you need a rest, but my slumber is through and I'm ready to run full speed ahead!

That's right I said it

So I haven't posted a blog on here in about a year and a half, I was occupied with Myspace. I have decided to start this up again because it's a way to stay close with Jenn and Kirk as well as journal things I don't want certain people to read, but want to say it out loud. So here goes.
Yesterday I went to get fitted for a bridesmaid dress for a wedding I'm in in June. I made the trek out to David's Bridal in Queens, which is kind of a pain, it's a burrough and well I'm a bit snobby I suppose when it comes to places surrounding Manhattan. Anyway, not the point, although I've been to about 3 weddings since my divorce, this particular event was seemingly difficult for me. I don't regret my decision to be married or divorced ever, it wasn't neccesarily a mistake in my book, more of a learning experience I suppose. I immediately was upset and found it difficult to be in the store, as I watched a listen to three girls, one of whom was trying on bridal gowns and then her two bridesmaids, I'm assuming. At first I was indifferent thinking nothing of it. Then as I was looking around I suddenly became sadden. I felt this huge bubble in my throat and my stomach was not at ease. I realized what I had done to someone elses life and that stomped all over his dreams. I've had these thoughts before and gotten past them, but they resurface from time to time. This next feeling though has never occured to me. For the first time I think I decided that someday I will want to get married again and even have children. I know this is a huge shock to everyone I know, and just to save you from "told you so" I never said I wouldn't ever, I just said I don't think I will but may change my mind when I'm older. I thought about it more and decided that yes someday I do want those things, which is a little upsetting since I had that already and gave it up, but I did so for a good reason. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about this right now, but I don't think I need to. Then I began to think of what kind of wedding I would have, and for the first time in my life I didn't have one clue as to anything about it, no colors, no time of year, big or small. This made me happy and sad. Happy that my mind wasn't focusing on the wedding aspect of it and more the marriage, but sad because as a girl it's just in you to have that in your brain somewhere, I'm sure there's a specific part, probably next to the reasoning part of your brain. Although I may have concluded I do want to be married again someday, the thought of having a wedding kind of makes me sick to my stomach, as if no one will believe in the ceremony because it's the second one and that I can't celebrate it. These are very wierd thoughts for me and a long way off from even happening, but they're new thoughts I needed to say out loud. If you stuck around for the whole thing thanks for listening.